How To Get Out Of A Pool
Priceless Hangover

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!” So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last ! night?” His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.” Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!” Self-induced hangover — $100.00 Broken furniture — $2,000.00 Breakfast — $10.00 Saying The Right Thing While Drunk — PRICELESS

Hard Luck Hunters

This true story about two hunters from Michigan was originally reported on a news program. A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and all the lakes are frozen solid. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog and, of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice, unload the guns, decoys, dog, etc. and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks and something for their decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let’s talk about […]

Baby Airplanes

A mother and her inquisitive young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?” The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?” The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy admitted that she did. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”

How to Convert a Bear

A rabbi, a priest and a minister got together for lunch once a week. One day, one made the comment that preaching to people wasn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery went first. His arm was in a sling, he was using crutches to walk, and his arms and legs were heavily bandaged. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.” Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to READ to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do […]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it.” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: […]

The Farmer and Lady

One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won’t take advantage of me?” The farmer said, “Heck, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God’s name could I possibly do that?” The little old lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Modern Barbie Dolls

Princess Barbie This princess Barbie is sold only at Saks. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Princess Barbie is easily exchanged, and occasionally mistaken for Yuppie Barbie. Girls Who Lunch Barbie The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Yuppi Barbie This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them. Redneck Barbie This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Green Earth Barbie This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks , or combat boots with white socks. She prefers that you call her […]

Jar Head Marine

A while back, young Bobby Birman, a Michigan mountain man, answered his nation’s call and joined the Marines. On the first day of boot camp, the Corps issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, a Navy dentist yanked several of his teeth. On the second day, the Corps issued him a comb. That afternoon, a Navy barber shaved his head. On the third day, he was issued a jock strap….. The Marine Corps is still looking for him.

Goodbye Mom

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.” He answered, “That’s okay.” “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Goodbye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.” She then went through the checkout … and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mother.” The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries. “That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk. “How come so much? I only bought 5 items..” The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d pay for her things, too.”

It’s Company Policy

Company Policy: Effective Immediately Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall […]

Restricted Area

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading a book,” she replies. “Isn’t that obvious?” “You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her. “I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with assault,” says the woman. “But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden. “That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.” “Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Traffic Sign

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.” “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really made the drivers speed up even faster. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks […]

Sweet Charity

The wife came home early to find her husband with another woman. “You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving this house and I want a divorce!” The husband replied, “Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave,at least listen to what happened.” “It’ll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep.” While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she’d like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they’re too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for […]

Redneck Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.” He bought the ‘picture’, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly piece of trash he’s runnin’ around with.”

The Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, “Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.” “I didn’t bring the bottle opener,” Steve says. “I thought you packed it.” Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. “Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?” Naturally, Poncho doesn’t have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe and Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go back home, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.” Five more days […]

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