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Ski Holiday

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?” “Yes, I do.” “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” “Yes,” Bob said, a little […]

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A Wife’s Promise

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. And just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.” So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, and the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” She had a shoe box with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good person. I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got […]

The Football Fan

You can replace Cincinnati with the name of your favorite city. The joke still works. A guy from Cincinnati dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Cincinnatian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid, and you’re crushing rocks….Why are you so happy?” The Cincinnatian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is great! It reminds me of August in Cincinnati — hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!” The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Cincinnatian’s remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Cincinnatian is happily slogging thru the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Cincinnatian replies, “This is great! Just like April in Cincinnati. It reminds of working out in […]

The Wedding Prank

The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note from the groom. DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR I’M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!”

The School Telephone

Here is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the school: “Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:” “To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1” “To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2” “To complain about what we do – Press 3” “To swear at staff members – Press 4 “To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5” “If you want us to raise your child – Press 6” “If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7” “To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8” “To complain about bus transportation – Press 9” “To complain about school lunches – Press 0” “If you realize this […]

Computer Life in the Fast Lane

You know you’re living in the twenty-first century when… 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line. 8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your job redundancy on the 11 o’clock news. 11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂 17. You’re reading this […]

Candid Colonoscopy

A physician claims these are actual comments that his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies. 1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” 2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” 3. “Can you hear me NOW?” 4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” 5. “You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.” 6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” 7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey….” 8. “Hey!! Now I know how a Muppet feels!” 9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” 10. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.” and THE best one … 11. “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

The War Hero

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?” the teacher asked. “Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in the Iraq war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.” “Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?” “Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking!”

Redneck Fishing

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” “Naw, sir, I ain’t got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?” asked the game warden. “Yeah. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim ’round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!” says the warden. The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Government man, I’ll show you. It really works.” “Okay,” said the game warden, “I’ve GOT to see this!” The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” asked the hillbilly. The warden said, “When are you going to call them back?” The hillbilly said, “Call who back?” “The FISH!” replied the warden. “What fish?” asked the hillbilly. In Kentucky, we may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as folks think…

Marriage and the Hereafter

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her arm was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.” The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

The Tax Audit

The IRS decides to audit Jim, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Jim shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Jim. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Jim says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.” Jim removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Jim says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Jim isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Jim removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Jim’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Jim asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and spit into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. […]

Top 20 Pranks at Work

Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In”. 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For My Girlfriend” 7. Finish all Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.” 8 Don’t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.” 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13 Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!” 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!” 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.” And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity……. 20. Send This Funniness To Someone To Make Them Smile. It’s Called Therapy…

The Nut Case

Jim and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna, she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged. Because you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.” “How soon can I go home?”

Celebration

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table. The husband asks, “Do you know him?” “Yes,” sighs the wife, “He’s my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says the husband, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Twenty Dollars in the Bank

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first romantic encounter. Eagerly, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very depressed state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for romance, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out… “If I’d had any idea what […]

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